Unnecessary Stool Sample

Rubber gloves and disinfectant were the main courses for my lovely Saturday evening. And no, it does not include whatever perverse things you are thinking right now, although Lord knows I wish it did. No, no, I spent the beginning of my night cleaning shit off of a bathroom stall. Notice I did not just say toilet. No, no, it was everywhere. It was as if an explosion went off in the pot and then the repercussions were so great that it shot up onto the walls, ricochet down to the floor, and piled up on the back of the stool. It was horrendous. It was disgusting. It was inexcusable. It was downright nasty. And I had to clean it up.

Before "the incident" I was just minding my own business talking with guests and being the gracious hostess that I am when my male colleague came over and said, "Uh...hey Sarah. There is a 'mess' in the ladies restroom that you need to go clean up." I'm sorry, what? So, of course I'm the only female working and the duty of fecal matter falls on me. Literally, fecal matter was basically falling on me. He did not know the extent of the situation and when I asked what kind of mess his reply was "I don't know, they wouldn't tell me and I don't think I want to know." 

I enter the bathroom with high hopes of the mess consisting of paper towels spilled all over the floor. Maybe even a candle knocked over or a glass vase broken. No such luck for this sassafrass. I will spend the next 20 minutes on my hands and knees (and not in a fun dirty kind of way) cleaning smelly, nasty, brown, runny poop. Thank my stars that I had the 2 pairs of rubber gloves that served as the only barrier between my own flesh and the secretions of another. I gagged, I held my breath and I breathed only through my mouth. The worst part, you ask? It was starting to crust over which made for a more difficult scrub and for me to really put some elbow grease in it.

I felt dirty the rest of the night (6 hours) and could hardly stand to smell any food. I mean seriously, if you are the culprit of an unstoppable action such as pooping your pants and you barely get your pants down before firing one off prior to hitting the seat; man up and go tell someone. Don't just leave it there to crust up and gross others out. I know you may be embarrassed that you almost shit your pants and instead shit the stall but we have all been there. When I drink more than 2 cups off coffee I know that there better be a bathroom nearby. After a night spent with the beer flowing, I need to know there is a toilet waiting when I wake up. When I eat my favorite black bean soup for lunch, you better believe I plan where I will be in the next hour because it better be near a john. So, come on, Lady. Get it together, grow a pair and tell someone you shit your pants. Or at least attempt to clean it up yourself. We don't want your stool sample.

Speaking of stool....welp, see ya later!